Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
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i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Bike for sale
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery