A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
You Might Also Like
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
all year 14 has said he hasn鈥檛 had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He鈥檚 a pickpocket.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don鈥檛 know babe u tell me
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Them: Do your best you can鈥檛 hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer馃嵑.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don鈥檛 have a dog.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.