Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
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A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Otters see a butterfly.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.