I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
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if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
yall want some gasoline milk
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu