Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
You Might Also Like
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
did it work
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I hope it’s French Onion!
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Shoo shoo! 😂
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex