43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
You Might Also Like
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Poetry is my passion
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.