Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
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kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
And bowling should be called pinball
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.