Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
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Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.