Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
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I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt