Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
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I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
We need to put an American base on the sun
Quadruple digit IQ
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
2022 be like
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*