Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
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[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Cucumbers Anonymous
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.