How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
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Life’s too short to have your shit together.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
thinking about a very short hotdog
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.