The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
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Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.