Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
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me and my fake scenarios
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
*jazz hands*
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.