I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
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I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive