Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
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One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Me: I feel like we havenāt talked much lately. Why donāt we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: āI donāt want to talk to youā takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that Iāve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
80ās rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with āhat.ā
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Iāll be like āIām just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstoreā and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute āem so BAD.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
ācanāt you take a hint?ā bro I donāt even understand literal stuff
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
āAre you submissive? šā
No, Iām off my meds with nothing left to lose
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, āDo you need a bag?ā Oh no, Iām heading right back to the circus, so Iāll just juggle all this shit for 6 milesā
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
If my dude is messaging you.. heās your dude..
Keep. Him. š
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Men donāt use the Internet. Donāt believe me women? Go check your manās search history. Guarantee itās empty.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said āisnāt face-to-face betterā
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit