The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
You Might Also Like
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I unironically love this joke.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
¯_(ツ)_/¯
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album