“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
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Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
#Caturday
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume