[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
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Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
going to the ER y’all need anything
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late