Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
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“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I need better friends
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me