It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
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If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.