The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
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Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
3% human
97% stress
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days