If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
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ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
me after eating Cheetos
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.