How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
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When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
plant them where lol
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.