TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
You Might Also Like
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Breaking news:
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class