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Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Auto correct is my worst enema.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.