Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
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Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
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