hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
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one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
choose your fighter
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
(True)
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush