I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
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I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”