KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
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Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
my fav colour is also hitler
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.