A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
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Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options