Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
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Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out