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Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened