person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
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*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.