Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
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eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
This hospital has everything
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.