If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
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Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
this article brought to you by lions
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop