I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
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Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Mad Max: Furry Road
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”