A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
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The three genders
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.