Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
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[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.