Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
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[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
yeah no that’s fair
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock