Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
You Might Also Like
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Selfie
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.