There are usually two types of merchants.
You Might Also Like
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?