[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
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Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Mad Max Arctic Road
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”