Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
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11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun