To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
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Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.