When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
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The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I…do not understand how electricity works.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.