[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
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*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.