Accidentally sent a guy a 馃槈 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
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All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
kids are oblivious to everything but let 鈥榚m find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Don鈥檛 shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 馃憤
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it鈥檚 like you鈥檙e on top of a mountain, inhaling the world鈥檚 largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*