Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
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What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
The first matador
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.