I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
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7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimerâs and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimerâs. itâs just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
âI know you donât wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely donât wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, itâll make both of us happy.â
– 11yo, not wrong
imagine when the stars that make orionâs belt die and his pants fall down
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I am officially off the marketđđđđđ
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Dennyâs trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha thatâs⌠irrelevant
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Iâve realized thereâs more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
you know a tweetâs gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you âPLEASE DONâT GO TO MASS IF YOUâRE NOT CATHOLICâ my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Dad law states that you can use your kidsâ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids arenât home.
[leaning over and kissing my spouseâs forehead]
âRest in peace.â
My spouse opens their eyes: I really donât like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?